My parents want to know what I'm going to do next and I don't really know.
"I don't really know," I say, from Cathy's house in England on the phone. We'd stayed up late last night talking about love, in all its stupid forms, until eventually I'd got my appetite back and Cath had gone and heated up some soup, even though she had conjunctivitis and it was 4 in the morning.
"Is there anything on the horizon work-wise?" my father wants to know.
I sigh. Not really, no. "I heard there might be some action thriller coming up sometime in Eastern Europe," I say. "I might try to get on that."
"Well, that sounds encouraging," says my dad, and both of us sit there on the phone wondering what part of "hearing" that there "might be" some kind of "action thriller" coming up "sometime" that sounds all that encouraging.
I don't know. Do I feel lost or do I feel free? Sometimes they're the same thing and I wonder if maybe I should just keep moving. I'd said to him, as we'd broken up and he'd wondered where I'd live, that I might not be very good at relationships but that I am really good at being single and homeless. And it's true: I have no house but I have good friends. I have no plan but I have a car. I have no money but I have this great black leather jacket and I can play Life Goes On from beginning to end on my guitar.
If anyone wants to buy two pot plants, a map of the world, and a bin-bag full of greying knickers: call me.
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Bin your knickers and buy beautiful new gem-hued ones.
ReplyDeleteYou have a car this time, that's a big difference.
I think we fear being free more than we realize.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Another opportunity is coming up for you.
xx
Good luck, you're an adventurer and a story-teller and those are two wonderful gifts to have...they will carry you to the next interesting place, but in the meantime be good to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog, I'm a long-time lurker :) Keep entertaining us with wonderful stories and photographs when you feel like it again.
x
Lovely post. And congrats again on the much-deserved Belfast win.
ReplyDeleteWhat fústar said. Congrats on the award, long overdue.
ReplyDeleteLost or Free? That's a great question and one I wish I knew the answer to. I want to be free but I'm frightened of being lost.
ReplyDeleteOur lives are given meaning by the people that we share them with. Friends and partners bring both life and constraints to our existence. It's just the way it is.
The secret to a happy life is, I believe, being able to accept that our lives will never be empty. Our partner may change, but we will always have a Cathy. A person that will always reflect back our own light and remind us, not only that we exist, but that we're actually one of life's brightest stars.
Big hug.
xx
x Hugs. Glad you are home safe (well back in the UK, still not quite in Wales yet!). Your blog and pictures have been, as always, truly breathtaking. x EW
ReplyDeleteI just don't get why the two of you broke up! You seemed like happy, lovey filmy types together. To be honest, I think even the most settled and happy of us fantasise about going off and travelling and being free sometimes. This is another big chance for you to travel and be free again, enjoy.
ReplyDeletePS. I also love your writing. I think you should become a travel writer
Gosh, sometimes life on the road or in a jeep or up a mountain allows too much contemplation time. I've had all three and though half(ish) a generation older than you, I too soul search to beJaysus. But I savour those times and am engulfed by the normalcy of family life when I get back. I guess I'm lucky that way. Don't exile yourself :) Hx
ReplyDeleteIf you want to help me do the things on my three page long To Do list for this wedding, happening in 17 days, while watching me tear my hair out as I sob in the kitchen, you can come and live with me? Tempting, no?
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, good luck with it. It's no consolation but rents are gone pretty cheap in Dublin, so your own little pied a terre (read shoe box in Rathmines) might not be that hard to find?
You were talking to your Dad on the phone last night. Savour the special moments in your life. Boyfriends, husbands, partners may come and go. You will only ever have one Dad.
ReplyDeleteOoh Free Knickers!
ReplyDeleteAt the risk on seeming pretentious I find comfort at crossroads with Brendan Kennelly's poem
ReplyDeleteBegin
Begin again to the summoning birds
to the sight of light at the window,
begin to the roar of morning traffic
all along Pembroke Road.
Every beginning is a promise
born in light and dying in dark
determination and exaltation of springtime
flowering the way to work.
Begin to the pageant of queuing girls
the arrogant loneliness of swans in the canal
bridges linking the past and the future
old friends passing through with us still.
Begin to the loneliness that cannot end
since it perhaps is what makes us begin,
begin to wonder at unknown faces
at crying birds in the sudden rain
at branches stark in the willing sunlight
at seagulls foraging for bread
at couples sharing a sunny secret
alone together while making good.
Though we live in a world that dreams of ending
that always seems about to give in
something that will not acknowledge conclusion
insists that we forever begin.
Anon: Alright dad, thanks for that.
ReplyDeleteWowsers: eh, I never said free
Karen: a shoe box in Rathmines actually sounds lovely :)
Thanks Hugh, I won't x
Thanks everyone for the goodness and kindness.
anon 2... that poem is beautiful, thank you for posting
ReplyDeleteWith the desire of seeming pretentious, lost and free are exactly the same thing, man. It's all a matter of perspective. Christ, I'm deep.
ReplyDeletehope it is good to be back in Dublin, despite the greying knickers. I am reaching out for you. I can imagine you 'back home after travel' as i have done this about a zillion billion times myself...
ReplyDeleteIt can suck. BUT life with the oldies close is GREAT, when you have the time to appreciate them (and you and them).
Hope life bucks up soon. If it is any comfort I have been unemployed since July (JULY, I ask you) and I am also on the rocks over my viking lover and we are in the process/about to break up. Oh! And I dont speak Norwegian like a pro yet, and so that kind of sucks as everyone treats me like an imbecile. and I have no place to live! ha - thats a good one...
But I have a great comfort: a dog and a harmonica (shy, about that last thing: that I cant honestly play very well, as it always ends up as poor Bob D renditions, or Amazing Grace, or Oh! Susanne, etc - like everyone else, I guess)
We;re all human. TIme and patience will work. If you let it.
Big hug annie. Sit back and think of Iceland, its beaches, horse, life and soul. I find this helps.
In the meanwhile....you remain an inspired blogwriter. keep on with the poetry here. the rest will follow!
(and good one on the Blog Award - nice work gal!)
chin up
x Helen Country Mouse
...or in England, even. England, Ireland. Oops! ....Its back on those bunch of sweet green (read=rainy) islands I used to call 'home' anyway. Sorry I didn't pay attention to your blogging location! ;)...
ReplyDeleteHappy Thursday Annie. Hope the weekend is a bright one x
annie bach,
ReplyDeletewhere are you?
x