In a bid to appear cooler than I actually am

In a bid to appear cooler than I actually am, I'm taking hip-hop dance classes. Six weeks from now you'll be looking at me filled with that heady mix of fear and admiration, reserved only for those who can 'glide' and 'pop' their way out of any given situation.

"Will you come with me?" I beg my American friend, Jenna. She is the least hip-hop person I know — yes, even less hip-hop than me — but she has the right accent and I need her for my posse. After minimal grumbling ("You do realise I'm from Oregon?") she gives in and agrees to come with me.

The class is small; just us and four cooler, younger people. There's the obligatory hip-hop chicks: pixie-like and foreign, boys' cargo pants, tank-tops, and some vaguely interesting piercings. In the corner, a guy warms up a little by spinning on his head.

"I'm not sure I can do this," whispers Jenna, as we line up in front of the mirror. "You realise we've never danced in front of each other before?"

"I swear I won't look at you," I lie. Of course I will look at her, it's going to be like the first time I went to the pool with my friend Ursula and I just couldn't take my eyes off her boobs in the showers.

But it turns out I can't look at Jenna dancing after all, because I have to spend the whole hour concentrating very, very hard on not falling over. And I don't think we've even got to the 'gliding' or 'popping' bits yet; this first class just seems to be about 'stepping in time to the music'. In a bid to appear cooler than I actually am — and blacker — I have only confirmed that I was born to be clumsy and ginger.

Megastars

Ferg says we have over 900 hits on our brother/sister YouTube guitar debut, and you know what happens when we get to a thousand hits? Yep, that's when we're megastars.

Ferg's friend Ronan is annoyed because his own guitar debut only has eighty hits and hasn't it been up there longer? I look at Ferg and Ferg looks at me and in a secret brother/sister telepathic moment we decide that that's probably because Ronan's mum doesn't use the internet quite like our mum does.

But then a shadow crosses Ferg's face and he says wait a minute, hang on, a thousand hits, that won't make us megastars, that'll only make us kilo-stars!

So we decide to keep practising.