A friend has offered to introduce me to her internationally-famous musician friend to make up for all the heartbreak and pain of last month. Although I realise it won't really make up for it, she sighs, considerately, giving me an affectionate arm-touch.
Yes it will! Yes it will! I say, grabbing onto her in a panic in case she changes her mind. I can't think of anything I want more right now than awkward and disappointing rebound-sex with an internationally-famous musician. He'll probably want to write a song about me afterwards, I suppose, while I laze about his mansion rolling the occasional spliff. Eep! I call Jenna to tell her the good news, and we excitedly google some of his lyrics.
Y'know, she drawls, disappointedly. I've never really given any proper thought to his lyrics before... and I have to say they don't always seem to make that much sense.
I know; I'm disappointed too. What's the point of having a pop-song written about you if the world isn't going to hear it on the radio and think, hang on a minute, is that Annie he's going on about?
I'm going to have rebound-sex with someone a little less "poetic" instead.
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I can totally do awkward and disappointing and unpoetic. Think how awesome that would be to shag me, yo. And by "awesome" I mean "shit."
ReplyDeleteI used to know the odd internationally famous musician. I also therefore used to know the people who had sex with them. Generally the internationally famous musicians responded better to the casual nature of the sex than the not-so-famous people they shagged and walked away from.
ReplyDeleteI'm just not sure you can actually drawl the word 'proper'...
ReplyDeleteHey Annie,
ReplyDeleteTry not to rush into anything for a while. The re-bound stuff just screws with your emotions. I went through a very painful break up a couple of years ago and since then I've met a really fantastic guy that I love to bits. I truly know how you feel now though and what you're going through.
I was sorting through some old papers earlier this evening and came across five valentines day cards from my ex, one for each year we were together, among a pile of old b-day cards. I still got a slight tug at my heart after all this time but I think more than anything I feel sad for having lost something that I stubbornly believed in for so long. I think a break-up just makes us lose faith in everything for a while, but just trust that it happened for a reason and you'll discover that for yourself when you meet the one for you! I think he's going to be something fabulous like a film director or a sexy camera man!!
Hugs x
So then The Wiggles (individually or collectively) are in play?
ReplyDeleteAwkward and disappointing rebound sex is still better than getting married, getting the house nice and then working out one day that you've had sex once every eighteen months since the big day. Not that I'm talking from personal experience or anything...
ReplyDeleteIgnore everything Aurelia says. Bang him into intensive care. Then blog about it, incorporating a profoundly lukewarm review of his latest album.
ReplyDeleteIs it Val Doonican?
Aurelia is sweet but Tim is right.
ReplyDeleteNo matter whether your potential Aldi* is internationally famous or not; rebound sex should be impetuous, mad, crazy, wtf, horny stuff.
With condoms, obviously.
* Awkward and disappointing shop but still better than Iceland**
** Kerry Katona. Nuff said.
"I'm going to have rebound-sex with someone a little less "poetic" instead."
ReplyDeleteRoses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't
Am I in the running?
I think primal sneeze deserves the rebound.
ReplyDeleteYay to rebound sex. As long as he doesn't turn all stalker on you. That's never nice.
ReplyDeletePS If you really want unpoetic rebound sex, why not pop along to your local rugby club. They're lovely on the most part, unpoetic on the whole part, and generally well built and sometimes pretty!
Yay to rebound sex. As long as he doesn't turn all stalker on you. That's never nice.
ReplyDeletePS If you really want unpoetic rebound sex, why not pop along to your local rugby club. They're lovely on the most part, unpoetic on the whole part, and generally well built and sometimes pretty!
Whoever, whatever, however- I hope you have fun :-)
ReplyDeleteAh, so you've finally decided to do LC then?
ReplyDeleteI'm itching with curiosity to know who this guy is. I would go for it but then I'm a sucker for musicians. The fact that he writes lyrics consisting of cryptic metaphors means you can imagine every song is about you. Fun! Apart from the shit ones. and the ones about bad sex.
ReplyDeleteAlternatively, go for Tim up there ^^. He seems like a straight-to-the-point kind of guy.
This isn't a metaphor, is it?
ReplyDeleteHeh.
ReplyDeleteThe most jaw-droppingly terrible sex I have ever had in my life was with an internationally kinda-under-the-radar musician.
It was so unbelievably awful that I didn't even blog about it, despite the fact that it's by far the most blogworthy thing that's ever happened to me.
anyhow
(a) What Tim said.
(b) Is it:
-Glen Hansard?
-Bono (however you pronounce it)?
-That fella outta Snow Patrol that holy moly hates?
Can't think of any other famous Irish musicians that aren't van morrison or off the market, what with Ronan Keating and Brian Kennedy being a couple.
Best way to get over a man is to get under a man - assume this has been said already?
ReplyDeleteBet it's Chris de Burgh.
ReplyDeletetut tut! you don't want him to write a song about frigid Annie, now do you? besides, you know the saying: rebound in haste, relent for pleasure. Or something like that.
ReplyDeleteOh god it's not Rod Stewart is it? Please tell me it's not.
ReplyDeleteI am sure there is a connection between wearing rubbers and rebound sex. You can both be bouncing around the room for all I care. Com'on it's the 21st century, don't tell me all the old hang ups are hanging on, rebound sex, corner sex, free kick sex, bounce sex, shot sex, sex sex, If you care suffiently little about him then shag him and the guy next to him and the guy next door. Get it all out of your system. Then tell them all to shag off, go on an all men are bastards trip for six months, slide sliently into the accepting yourself as you are, then gently satisfied, and then look back on the rebound sex nostaligically and bump into the man of your dreams while your being nostalgic. Alternatively, prentend you are a prude, go to the bar refuse the notion of having sex with anyone and get rip roaring drunk and just not be able to remember what or who you bounced off. Just go and have sex and stop being so non spontaneous. You are a catch.
ReplyDeleteAs long as I'm not in the next room listening to the headboard of the bed slamming against wall and you screaming in ecstasy and ....and ...wait a minute hmmm.... how about a webcam broadcast?
ReplyDelete