Our house was broken into by a pair of junkies yesterday afternoon, which was very exciting because we've lived on Dublin's northside for months now, and it's about time something happened to prove my friends in Cork right. They smashed into the apartment below without me or my friend Dolly Parton hearing a thing, but luckily the landlord caught them and wouldn't let them go until they gave back what they'd stolen — despite one of them waving a knife around and threatening to stab him.
Er, rather him than me. I'm not sure what I'd do if scary junkie dudes threatened to stab me with a knife. Probably whatever it was they wanted me to do... within reason.
"Give us everything you've got or we'll stab you with this knife!"
"Okay scary junkie dudes, here's my 43 euro, my beautiful slab of white computer hardware, and my famous pet rabbit."
"Let us off without calling the cops or we'll stab you with this knife!"
"Okay scary junkie dudes, I'll just call you a taxi."
"Skip that bleedin' Jolene track or we'll stab you with this knife!"
"Ah now scary junkie dudes, don't be like that."
Luckily, one of them left his phone here by mistake, so when his mam called to see what time he'd be home for dinner the landlord was able to get his full name and address out of her for the cops. Pfft, robbers are stupid. Which is why they're robbers in the first place, I suppose, and not doctors, or mega-rich Country & Western superstars that everybody pretends to hate.
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If my house were broken into, I would be flipping out, nervous they were coming back and afraid they touched my underwear. You on the hand, take such a light hearted approach and seize the opportunity to compel laughter from your readers. That is why we all keep comin' back!
ReplyDeleteThat's it! I'm off to get some Dolly Parton music, she obviously has some way of protecting you guys from horrible North Dublin stuff.
ReplyDeleteAnd anyway I like her.
The Irish mammy is great, isn't she - always thinking about her little boy.
ReplyDeleteMy Patrick is the best junkie on the north side. Everyone says it.
He's not great at robbing though, but he's getting better. At the last parent-Garda meeting the sergeant told me he just needs to concentrate a bit more and he'll be grand.
I knew it- everyone secretly loves Dolly. Glad they caught the dumb thieves. Did you at least get to keep his phone so you could send annoying texts to everyone in his phonebook?
ReplyDeleteImpressed that you were so cool, Annie. I like to imagine that if anyone broke into my house I'd be uncharacteristically violent and determined, laying into the burglar with any weapon that came to hand until he was beaten to pulp, but in reality I'd probably be a quivering heap of jelly pleading with Mr Hoodie not to take too much and would he like a nice cup of tea, it must be thirsty work this burglarizing?
ReplyDeleteBTW, a workmate who went to see Dolly live said she was disappointing and has got some sort of voice problem.
I don't think I would ever go to see her play live or anything, it's just this dirty little habit that I have in the privacy of my own home.
ReplyDeleteThe burglars didn't even try to get into our place because we live in the attic, uh, I mean, the loft apartment, and our doorway looks like a cupboard. So by the time we found out what was going on it was all over and the fingerprint guy was dusting things. Also very exciting but totally not scary by that point.
I was pretty impressed with the landlord, though. He lives in the same building, so he is good for things like fixing leaks and catching burglarizers.
Left his phone - hahaha! That's hilarious.
ReplyDeleteBut I've would shit myself if something similar happened in my house (touch wood, touch wood, touch wood).
Glad to hear you have a hardass landlord!
I used to live on the southside in Dublin, and yeah I always heard about the rough northside ;)
"we live in the attic....and our doorway looks like a cupboard"
ReplyDeleteAnybody else think of Anne Frank?
;)
"we live in the attic ... and our doorway looks like a cupboard".
ReplyDeleteAnybody else think of Anne Frank?
;)
left the phone behind???HAHAHAHAHAHAH.these junkies can easily make it to the world's stupidest criminal list.
ReplyDeleteAh, you finally got the "Gi's yer bleedin' cash!" welcome to Dublin. It was a long time coming, for the northside. Glad you got off lightly.
ReplyDeleteI was burglarised myself in Dublin in the not too distant. Got home at 4am to find the front door open. They'd jimmied a window. Every drawer was emptied out. Every cupboard opened and ransacked.
I'm such a hoarder they could find nothing of value. The one thing they took was a DVD of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. It mirrored my time in that house. Good, then bad, then finally ugly. I moved out a year later.
You lead such an eventful life Annie. Why do things like that never happen to me. Oh, hang on, I should be very careful about what I wish for here.
ReplyDeleteI love dumb criminals. They make life so much more fun.
ReplyDeleteI want to know what the landlord said to the dude's mam to get his details. did he make up some story, like "i found this phone in the street and i'd like to return it" crap, or did he just flat out say "you're dumbass kid just tried to rob me at knifepoint" and get the details as well as getting the kid in trouble at home???!
ReplyDeleteThe phone conversation between the landlord and the thief's mammy went like this:
ReplyDeleteRing, ring!
L: Hello?
M: Is that you, Willy?
L: No, I'm just after finding this phone in the street, somebody must have lost it.
M: That's my Willy's phone, this is his mammy.
L: Oh dear, 'll see if I can get it back to him, what's his name and address?
M: (Gives full name and address) I'm just wondering if he'll be back in time for dinner...
I'm with Chaucer's Bitch, I would have loved to been able to hear that conversation. I would have also loved to have called back later and talked to the guy at home and made fun of him for being such a bad robber as to leave his phone behind. Idiot!
ReplyDeleteThe cops said they knew him well. I think he is a celebrity junkie, he does this stuff all the time. He could probably get on some kind of Dublin Celebrity Reality TV show if he wanted to.
ReplyDeleteI never thought being burgled could be amusing. Seems I was wrong. I like your landlord.
ReplyDeleteYikes! Glad you're ok, Annie!
ReplyDeleteThat's very funny - in a disturbing kind of a way! Glad they by-passed your penthouse suite but if they'd reached it, I don't expect the butler would have let them in. I found it quite sweet that criminal's mammy was phoning him to see what time he wanted his tea - aw, bless!
ReplyDeleteYour landlord makes me hot, faint and panty.
ReplyDeleteps Glad you're ok.
Hee, that's brilliant. I must tell him that next time I meet him on the stairs.
ReplyDeleteGlad nothing untoward happened you, Annie.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar experience a while bacK, which is why I'm now reluctantly moving Southside.
http://skinflicks.blogspot.com/2007/04/skinner-towers-attacked.html
Fuck it, Annie. The sooner you move here to Limerick the better, where shit like that simply doesn't happen. (In spite of what the Dub smuggerati would have you believe).
ReplyDeleteMove here, girl, and have a good time for yourself, complete with no junkies.
I've been to Dublin and love it but I've never really spent too much time on the northside except for Henry St. Mys son just moved into a flat near croke park...so should I now have need to worry?
ReplyDeleteWould have been hilarious if the landlord took out a shotgun, kneecapped both of them and then tortured each one with screwdrivers and hammers. That would have given them something to talk about outside the methadone clinic on Amiens Street.
ReplyDelete