Sit back! But listen up closely...

I've wanted to be a black female rapper since I was 12, when, like all the greatest hip-hop stars, I penned my first rhyme. It was shit. But that didn't stop me and my best friend going from classroom to classroom performing it for Red Nose Day. Again, like all the greatest hip-hop stars, we were rappers with a conscience, so we performed to raise awareness about homeless people. Presumably because we'd been so affected by the overwhelming homeless problem in our sleepy Snowdonian villages.

Because we rehearsed so often, I can still remember it word for word today — just like everybody else from my school can still say the Lord's Prayer in Welsh, for example, and Ice Ice Baby. Being rich white kids ourselves, there was an obvious Vanilla Ice influence in our style, but I like to think our rap had more substance than his waffle about harpoons and poisonous mushrooms.

Sit back!
But listen up closely,
We're rapping our rap,
That's the rap we rap mostly.
Because there's people,
Out on the street,
Shivering all over,
From their heads to their feet.
Do you forget 'em?
Toss 'em away?
It's a worldwide problem,
And it's here to stay.
Unless we make money,
And make it real fast,
Get back to reality,
And bury the past!
Yeah!

When we got to the bit that said "shivering all over" we wrapped our arms around our chests and mimicked being cold. When we got to the bit that said "toss 'em away" the whole class burst into hysterical laughter and missed the important call-to-action at the end.

"It's not funny!" I said, indignantly. "We're raising money for homeless people, it's a serious issue!"

"Oh God," muttered my best friend. "I can't believe you just made me say 'toss' in front of the whole of 2A."

NB. I'm thinking of starting a new feature on le blonk called "Cringey Thursday", where I publish really embarrassing pieces of writing from my adolescence. If you have anything you want to contribute, send it to me and I will publicly humiliate you.