How to strike up a casual conversation with a famous musician
The trendy hotel I stayed in at the weekend happened to belong to a trendy recording studio, and I'd heard that its private bar was likely to be full of trendy rockstars on their lunchbreaks. You can imagine my disappointment, then, when the bloke from Coldplay walked in.
Never mind, at least he's a celebrity, and fortunately I've had a fool-proof plan prepared for quite some time now, in case I ever had the opportunity to befriend a famous musician.
Step 1: Use natural conversation-starter — ask for a light, for example, or roll eyes and say, "Urrfgh, wedgie!" whilst pulling knickers back out of bum at bar.
Step 2: Pretend not to have recognised him at all — talk about self at length then casually ask, "So, what do you do?"
Step 3: Let him avoid question and tell you about his very dull record collection instead. He'll enjoy the freedom of conversing with someone who isn't a gold-digger — for a change!
Step 4: Name-drop some of his band's painstakingly obvious influences — he'll think "finger is on pulse" and artistic tastes are similar to his. (You could even name-drop his own band here if you think you can pull it off).
Step 5: Feign embarrassment when he eventually admits to being famous musician — excuse ignorance by exclaiming, "God, I'm so sorry! I haven't got my glasses on!"
Step 6: Praise shockingly bad 5th track on his last album that nobody liked — don't gush; he'll see through it. Just say you thought it was "a real grower".
Step 7: Go on to design his band's next album cover and be the official photographer on their upcoming world tour.
Unfortunately, I'd just about got to Step 5 with the Coldplay bloke when I realised I really hadn't got my glasses on and he actually was a carpenter from Birkenhead like he'd been saying he was, after all.
28 comments:
Hilarious - amazed you got to step 5 without wanting to kill yourself, he's not a happy singer / carpenter
Hmm. That didn't really happen, did it?
Unfortunately I have used natural conversation starter of can I have a light with a former Libertine trouble is I don't smoke so just coughed into his face directly afterwards. I am cool.
Everything on this blonk is 100% truth, sometimes it just needs a little pinch of salt.
I don't smoke anymore so asking for a light would've been a bit pointless seems I don't carry cigs on me. I should've gotten into my new tracksuit and said, "Can you borrow me a fag for 10p?"
Very amusing story, you had me believing you for a while there. Still you should of got a picture and an autograph from the carpenter that would of been funny.
I could've ended up designing his business cards and doing his wedding photos later this year.
You have to post a picture of yourself in the track suit. Hilarious.
Chris Martin is a rock star?
Interesting. I'm going to try it out on my new imaginary friend, Kanu Reeves tonight. "So there's this band called Dogstar that're pretty cool. Never seen them, only heard them on underground radio show the other night..."
You should be sighing with relief Annie. "You're just a carpenter? Oh thank god, I thought you were that wank from Coldplay."
Oh well, maybe next time.
i never know when i get to the end of your posts if anything you've written actually happened or if you're having us on.
my strategy for meeting famous people goes something like this:
1. glance furtively and when they catch you at it, look away quickly.
2. do this several times
3. eventually approach, slowly, and say (somewhat bashfully) "I'm sorry. i couldn't help noticing you looking at me, and i know what you're thinking. yes, i am who you think i am. don't be embarassed, i get this all time, and i'm happy sign an autograph. (pull out a pen.) who should i dedicate it to?
by this time they'll be cracking up and you've broken the ice and landed yourself and autograph and photo for your originality. (at least, it worked with leonard nimoy.)
Were you also drunk?
who, me?
I have actually tried the "have you got a light" thing on Mark Beaumont, NME writer and not really that famous. He actually seemed glad to have someone to talk to as he had come to a gig at our very unpopular college bar, but then I spoiled it all by asking him if he was Piers Morgan, of all people. I really should study those little pictures next to the reviews (and the names attatched to them) more closely.
Which coldplay guy was it?
I don't think I would know a famous person if I met one.
I once met Bono and Robert de Niro and chatted away no problem. It was about four years ago. They were on their way to derby day at The Curragh so we were swapping tips.
It was all very relaxed. But then, three lads standing at urinals couldn't be any other way.
You could have got rid of all those steps if you'd worn your lovely new track suit!
And maybe you should have got rid of the old mamma as well.
So Primal, you have seen Bono's willy then? I have seen Björk's muff! We should start some kind of club.
Speaking of 'slebs, I was just in a gym class with the once-famous Samantha Mumba. My roundhouse is better than hers. So is my tracksuit, come to think of it.
I bet Bjork's muff is minging. There's probably bits of food and stuff in it.
I have no idea why I think that though. And I must point out this is the first time I have ever thought about it.
Honestly.
Ha! Great stuff, Annie. I once threw a paper aeroplane at the band Runrig (probbly unheard of outside Scotland but I liked them when i was 13) at a wedding hoping to catch Rory Macdonald's attention. Rory smiled but Donnie Munroe signed it smugly and threw it back. What a wanker, he was. I should have thrown it back. It landed in a bar puddle where it stayed. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate Donnie taking the time and that, it was just 'cos he was such an arrogant twat with his head so far up his own arse he could have french kissed his spleen and probably did. He looked like that sort of an overly groomed sicko.
PS: I'm sure he is actually a very lovely man and I'm being deeply unfair.
Nah.
I vaguely remember Runrig. I hope he finds this next time he Googles himself.
A club, Annie? Good idea. It'd be a much better one if I'd seen Björk's muff and you'd seen Bono's bone-o. Ah well, we may make do.
What'll we call the club though? B&B Bits?
ps. No interest in de Niro's bobs I note. Strange that. He was the one who got all the attention from the ladies that day.
ha ha very good although I'd have just said piss off you boring bastard and fled, carpenter or not....
Ha! Almost as funny as when I thought I was going out with Jeff Pepsii of The Eruptors. I pretended I didn't know who he was, and still do - very endearing.
Bono? Everything was going fine until somebody started using that kind of language. Bono?
Eh, look, this Coldplay thing. Do they really count as famous musicians, as opposed to miserable gits who should never have been allowed to live, let alone invade our airwaves with depressing, self-absorbed shite?
Just asking.
I would have just had some toast.
I'm being annoying. I'm sorry but I've tagged you. Enjoy
Still waiting on that photo with the ninja tracksuit!!!!!
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