There's a piece of graffiti in Kwiksave carpark, in the small Welsh town that I went to school in, that says in massive capital letters: CAT SHIT IS GAY. This was written long before the term gay meant "a bit rubbish", and could only mean either "happy" or "homosexual" — though if you were growing up in Llanrwst it was unlikely that you could be both.
This graffiti troubled me greatly as a child as I couldn't figure out how something like cat shit could possibly be gay, in any sense of the word. It wasn't until I started going to the pub and happened to bump into Craig Catshit one night that I figured it out — he was an actual person.
In Wales you usually get nick-named after what you do or where you live, depending on what's most relevant to your community at the time. Hence our local milkman "Wyn the Milk", our local chiropodist "Jane the Feet", and our neighbour John "John Up The Back".
But some people — like Craig Catshit — are less fortunate, and get named after what they smell like, instead. Not that he ever seemed to mind all that much; it was how he'd introduce himself, after all. Although he always swore he wasn't gay.
Even worse though, I think, is to be named after what you're like in the sack. The last I heard of Dylan Crapshag was that he was getting married. Who would've thought?
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Jimmy the Bollix heartily somethings this post.
ReplyDeleteGood for Dylan! I'm sure he and Jane Narcoleptic will be very happy together.
ReplyDeleteI have a vague recollection of that graffiti. Who is Craig Catshit anyway?
ReplyDeleteI remember Craig Custard. Maybe I didn't get too close but...custard?
There was a piece of graffiti on a wall near my granny's house that used to say "Skuls - I feel like a wog". I've never figured out what it meant, which troubles me sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThat hut also had 'Marion smokes' etched into the green paint. The latter word was then scribbled out and a '4' appeared to part the words, presumably not long after Marion had noticed.
ReplyDeleteAre you referring to John with the wooden leg? I'm not familiar with his wife.
Ha, I never saw the Marion graffiti, classic.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm referring to John with the wooden leg. He also had a glass eye if I remember correctly. My brother always refused to tell me how he'd ended up like that, he said he didn't want to give me nightmares. Which in itself gave me nightmares.
Dropkick Jill was his insane wife who dropkicked him in the head one night in the New Inn, hence the name.
This makes me want to go for a long walk and scribble meaningless but seemingly cryptic graffiti all over the village. The only graffiti that I've seen here is fairly prominant "X is gay" in a big wall on the main street.
ReplyDeleteA favourite of mine is a bloke named Fucking Phil, because of his tendency to use a swearword at every opportunity - rather than anything else.
ReplyDeleteI love it when there isn't anything associated with the person.
"You're talking about Mike?"
"No, not Mike but Mike Mike... you know?"
"Ah yeah.."
I knew a guy in Galway who had to be called Irish John, because all the other Johns in the gang just so happened to be foreigners.
ReplyDeleteI guess this is not such a big deal now but back in 1998 when I was supposed to be the only foreigner in Ireland it was SHOCKING.
Fab post. It reminds me of one of my favourite books 'A White Merc With Fins' and favourite characters, Dai Substantial, who got his nick-name working down the mines - 'You can call me anything you want, just make it substantial' - so they did.
ReplyDeleteMy sister used to call me Anatole, then Anatroll. Thanks, sis.
Oh, so THAT'S who the Icelanders get that habit from!
ReplyDeleteI love the tendency of the Nicelanders to give people nicknames as per what they're known for. 'Gulli the star' (astrologer), 'Ragnar the tremor' (earthquake specialist), 'Óli the fraud' (the guy who exposed the art forgery scandal - although that's like a reverse label), etc. etc.
Reminds me of The Mary Whitehouse experience with their M Khan is bent sprayed onto a bridge over a busy carriageway somewhere down near London.
ReplyDeleteQuoted
"The use of the phrase 'M Khan is bent'- referring to an actual piece of graffiti on a railway bridge in London, which was written in huge letters on the bridge for over a decade. The joke focused around the fact that thousands of cars pass under the bridge each day, and so whoever M Khan is, his 'bentness' must have been made known to at least half the continent. Therefore, references to M Khan and his 'bentness' were inserted into numerous sketches within the show, in passing.
My favourite graffiti to date was on a bridge I used to cycle under on the way to work here in Holland. It simply said (in English) 'What about sheep?'. I pondered this every day for two years and even now occasionally catch myself still seeking an answer...
ReplyDeleteI remember an unhappy soul in my hometown who was referred to as Dave Cockbreath.
ReplyDeleteLancaster University once had the slogan "Lesbians NOW!!!" sprayed on a couple of walls. Never quite did get that one.
ReplyDelete"Yes, I'm referring to John with the wooden leg. He also had a glass eye if I remember correctly."
ReplyDeleteIs this town populated by pirates or something?!
Somewhere around Harrow there used to be a wall bearing the sentence "NICHOLAS PARSONS IS THE NEO-OPIATE OF THE PEOPLE".
ReplyDeleteI'm with Lauranen now, fighting the urge to go out and scribble cryptic stuff all over town.
ReplyDeleteInside a toilet door in a pub in Galway I once saw, in black marker:
I FUCKED YER MA
And then in blue biro underneath it:
GO HOME DA, YOU'RE DRUNK
It's enough to make you want to go to the pub with two different pens on you.
Reminds me of a joke:
ReplyDeleteA man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village. He asks the old man what his name is, but the old man gets very irate at this point and says:
"See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell!"
"See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell!"
"See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!"
"But, a long long time ago, I fucked ONE sheep..."
I worked with a guy a few years ago who went to races one evening and didn't come back for a couple of months. Ended up in the asylum in Bow Rd. Jones the Breakdown, we called him.
ReplyDeleteLike your blogs too.
Best thing I ever saw on the back of a toilet door
ReplyDeletePeople poo
all over the land
anything over 1lb
please lower by hand
I knew a flat of Daves once, partly delineated by geographical origin - French Dave, Northie Dave, Muttering Dave and Che Dave (who had once been caught up in a Bolivian coup.)
ReplyDeleteBut the best nick I ever heard was Citadel Julie.
I can't tell you why, though! ;-)
As for graffiti, the best had to be the note written on the back of the toilet door in the Queen's University Belfast Department of English (sort of three houses knocked into each other and turned into classrooms.)
ReplyDelete"I fucking studied for three years here and got a first in my degree in English Lit. Some fucking use it was to me, I've been unemployed ever since. Leave now, while you have the chance to make something of your life."
It was signed:
"Seamus Heaney, (not THAT Seamus Heaney."
Legend stuff.
Sadly, around here graffiti hasn't evolved much past the "Shaz woz here".
ReplyDeleteI think Dylan did worse than Craig. At least Craig could find Shona SinusProblems.
ReplyDeleteHello Annie and welcome to your blog.
ReplyDelete"I beieve that CATSHIT IS GAY". (Genesis 1:7)
What is the past participle of 'SHIT' - is it really 'shot'. If that is the case, then who killed the poor old moggy.
I leave perplexed
Haha! Thank you, that made me giggle a lot.
ReplyDelete"i also like fish" was one of the better, out of the blue bits of graffiti i've seen recently - i think it was in reaction to another graffiti artists admission on a wall further down the alley that "I like cake"
ReplyDeleteA man who smells of cat shit...YUCK!
ReplyDeleteSomething about University toilets must bring out the best in the opportunist graffiti writer. In the Hull Uni Biology building the cleaners put up a notice reading "Please Do Not Put Chewing Gum In The Urinals" - to which someone had written underneath '...it makes it taste too salty'
ReplyDeleteI was talking to someone the other day about the Welsh custom of naming. He mentione that in his local town that the owner of the travel agent and the local undertaker both shared the same name. The way they differentiated was by calling one of them Jones There and the other Jones There and Back.
ReplyDeleteI'm much amused by this post. Yes, very happy and chuckling.
ReplyDeleteIn primary school we had an Ifor cachu deryn (Ifor bird shit) because he once had to have stiches in his head and the patch the nurse shaved to insert the stitches looked like a bird had shat on his head ... mind you, he had a better deal than Jenny Ringworm and Susan Snochan.
ReplyDeleteIn 'big' school there was Dewi Thanks-a-bunch (because that's what he would always mutter) and Dylan wee-wee (because of his unfortunate high pitched voice).