When I decided to go and live on a remote island in the north Atlantic it never occurred to me that one day I might develop a fear of flying. Or that nobody was ever going to dig a tunnel between here and Wales. Oh well, I'm just going to have to get over it, because I'm flying to Copenhagen to meet Bjarni for the weekend, which I'm ridiculously excited about. We're going to have a "romantic mini-break", like they do in Hollywood movies, or those books with floaty illustrations of pink shoes on the cover that I wouldn't be caught dead reading (ahem).
So last night, after another torturous yoga class, I thought it'd be a good idea to apply fake tan for the occasion. Why oh why do I do this to myself? I'm a GINGER, for god's sake. Even if I could tan naturally it wouldn't suit me — we all know that the only ginger who looks good with a tan is Shannon from Home and Away, and look what happened to her*. The last time I attempted a fake tan was four years ago for my graduation. I thought it looked quite nice, actually, until I caught my friends and family pointing to a bowl of satsumas and sniggering behind my back. After that, I learnt to love my white-to-the-point-of-translucent skin and decided never to bother with all this nonsense again.
Until now, that is. God, it looks ridick. I'm all orange and streaky. Well, of course I'm orange and streaky, that's the whole point of fake tan, isn't it? I'm going to spend the next two days scrubbing myself with sandpaper. And trying to figure out what to do with my bush. I mean, usually I'd just take it off, but this time I'm worried I'll get a phone call from Greenpeace about all the wildlife I'd be destroying.
*Actually, I can't remember what happened to her, but I'm guessing she either died in a tragic surfing accident or had to move to Brisbane along with everybody else. Or was that Neighbours?
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Dear god woman! What were you thinking? Perhaps there's something in the Icelandic air that has clouded your brain! Redheads such as ourselves look our most beautiful when we're glowing white - "we light up a room" in more ways than one. Stand out from the crowd, relish your pale skin and freckles.
ReplyDeleteAs for the continuing bush talks, I think Greenpeace will understand. If they question you, you could always send them a before and after shot. (oooh did that go to far...)
I think she got "Darren Day-ed"
ReplyDelete(see also the blonde bird from Hear'say and various other tv types)
It kinda makes you wonder, how we always come back to discussing your bush, doesn't it? Apparently that's what it always boils down to.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, have a great time in Copenhagen and say hi to Bjarni from me.
1 - Snip bush
ReplyDelete2 - Deploy superglue and stick bushy bits all over yourself.
3 - Bask, knowing your orangeness is now less noticeable.
Glad to be of service.
In actual fact, 'Shannon' went on to become the fiancee of 'Ali G' and is probably the only Home and Awayer to get to Hollywood.
ReplyDeleteThere is another acting Aussie redhead who springs to mind and you could never beat her for pasty skin.
Are you talking about who I think you're talking about? She's not a redhead, is she? I mean, not a natural one.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what getting Darren Day-ed is, but suspect is has something to do with being made famous by getting engaged to a celebrity who isn't really a celebrity at all, but who also becomes one when they get engaged to you.
I went to the pool last night, sat in a hot-tub full of chlorine for an hour and am almost back to white again.
Ah it reminds me of my bridesmaid days (the first one) when I was instructed to apply fake tan and had some dolly plaster bright orange make-up on me ('now don't be difficult' my friend said when I asked yer one to 'go easy'). Then we had to put on our orange dresses and very bright orange shawl yokes.
ReplyDeleteDuring the reception some guests were overheard saying 'where do we go next?'. 'Just follow the traffic cones' was the reply.
swearing lady i love your conciseness. truculent one - a recipe for lemon chicken is on the way. annierhiannon enjoy copenhagen - give the bloke a hug.
ReplyDeleteNo I don't believe I'm talking about who you think I'm talking about. This time.
ReplyDeleteUnless you did think I was talking about Nicole Kidman.
Thanks Pabbi, I will send you a postcard.
ReplyDeleteOshi, no, I had no idea that's who you meant. I think I was just projecting.
Truculent one, I can't imagine you orange. At all.
I was ... beautiful.
ReplyDeleteActually, no, I looked awful. I'll show you the photo sometime.
Looking forward to the chicken already Bald Eagle.
On the off-chance there are rare macaques in there, not to mention butterflies, I think you can expect a cease and desist, if not a visit from Swampy. Remember him? He's probably a corporate lawyer by now, defending oil-spills. However my complaint has less to do with the environment than with the Internet. How come when I look for your bush on Amazon.com there's no trace? Is it a jungle down there or isn't it?
ReplyDeleteAnnie what a pickle you are in!
ReplyDeleteFake tan is only to be used by footballers wives and B/C list celebrities like David Dickinson from that bloody awful antiques TV show.
I agree with Karen, stay pale and interesting.
Oi. I just tried the Dove summer glow lotion. I don't know why I thought self-tanners would have fixed that streaky issue. So I can empathize. I'm translucently pale myself and I can tell you it doesn't look good on non-gingers either.
ReplyDeleteSafe flight.
Hey Isabella. I tried that Dove stuff and I quite like it. It's a little streaky but that was due to my poor application than anything else. Brings me up from translucent to white anyhow, which is nice.
ReplyDelete